


Home

by Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus



Category: Bartimaeus - Jonathan Stroud
Genre: AU: Nat lives, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Everything I Touch Turns Into Fluff, Gen, M/M, post-PG
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 01:55:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16440815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus/pseuds/Shadowy_Dumbo_Octopus
Summary: My entry for the Bartimaeus Fic Exchange! In which Bartimaeus longs for home, and for one he doesn't believe he'll ever see again......we'll see about that.





	Home

**Author's Note:**

  * For [soulas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulas/gifts).



I sat perched on the roof of my new master's house, overlooking the lights of Prague. Despite its gloomy appearance, the city could be beautiful sometimes with its bright lights glittering among the buildings like fallen stars.

It was supposed to be a short charge: locate a stolen artifact - a scrying mirror seized by an enemy magician. Unfortunately, my master grew paranoid by its disappearance and, as soon as I returned it, ordered me to keep watch over his house until his other spirits took care of the threat.

The trouble was that it has been over a week with no word from my fellow djinn, which meant that I was still stuck on that damned roof. Yep, day in, day out under the guise of a gargoyle, having to suffer wind, rain, and pigeons, as well as the ever-growing exhaustion sinking into my metaphorical bones; I didn't have much time for rest since my rather rude dismissal by a one foolish goddamn kid with not even a trace of self-preservation.

I sighed. Nathaniel was... he was something else. How did this terrible, bratty, stupidly ambitious kid worm his way into my heart like this? When? He had no right! I shook my head. He was like a disease, spreading patiently all over my system, biding his time until I was at my weakest, my heart most open before he tore it out of my chest and took it with himself to an early, fiery grave.

What a fool I was for tying myself to yet another human! They all died sooner or later, leaving this world with no regard for those they left behind, their only parting gift being a pain that would never cease. It was like that with Ptolemy, and it seemed that the universe was more than keen to make me suffer once again. How dare they dismiss me, force me to live on without them?! Did they not see that I would rather die for them than to have to walk this world without them? Ptolemy didn't, though I don't really blame him - he worked so hard to liberate the spirits; letting one die for him would be a bit hypocritical, wouldn't it? Nathaniel, though, had no excuse. We were one. He saw into my mind just as I saw into his. He knew how I felt, still feel about him, and yet he chose to face death alone.  
Another one lost. Another blade thrust into my chest, a serpent winding around my lungs. 

There were so many things I wanted to tell him, share with him. True, he was far from Ptolemy, but I knew that he had changed at some point. Nathaniel. He lost himself in John Mandrake only to emerge at the last moment and, through his stupid self-sacrifice, save the world from Nouda's wrath.

I knew that I would never forgive him for doing it alone.

Stupid, stupid idiot human. I really wanted to hate him, resent him for abandoning me right after making me feel more whole than I've been in my entire life.

I hid my face in my clawed hands, thanking whatever gods who still watched over this world for my inability to cry. 

Mere seconds later, I prayed, begged for it, for any way to let out the soul-crushing sadness that lived in every drop of my essence. Humans were lucky - tears allowed them to calm their emotions, exhaust them until the roar of the storm was reduced to a quiet drizzle. 

Despite being a spirit of air and fire, I was full of storms - hundreds of them, wearing away my essence day after day, year after year, century after century. I used to wonder why humans insisted on giving hurricanes human names; the answer should have been obvious.

We used to be one. For a brief while, Nathaniel and I shared one flesh. Like in the Bible, I chuckled mirthlessly, like marriage but on some mysterious intermolecular level. I didn't remember my creation; didn't remember being torn from the Other Place for the first time, but I imagined that the sensation must have been similar to that final dismissal.

A memory flashed before my eyes - an image from almost three millennia earlier:

_"You love your master. How could any spirit descend to that?"_

It was supposed to be a rhetorical question, thank you very much. I still considered it foolish - after all, why put oneself through so much pain? Oh right, I forgot that one wasn't given a choice. Some compare love to a sweet angel with a bow and arrow, while others to a snow white dove. Me? The most accurate comparison I could think of was a mugger who pulled you into a dark alley when you were least expecting it, stabbed you in the chest fifty-seven times, and left the scene with your wallet.

In my mind's eye, the scoundrel wore Nathaniel's face. It almost made me wish I'd never met him.

Almost.

I sighed, shaking my head to chase away my melancholy. Right, I was supposed to scour the streets and rooftops in search of intruders. It was a shitty distraction, but I took what I was given.

There. Among the chimneys. A hint of movement. I jumped to my feet, claw and magic at the ready as the shadow approached, its bat-like wings moving noiselessly through the air. To my ultimate disappointment, however, it was one of my fellow djinn.

"Hello, Bartimaeus." She saluted merrily, either not noticing my foul mood or choosing to ignore it. Knowing her, probably the latter. "How're things?"

I shrugged noncommittally. "Old man's as paranoid as ever," I replied. "I take it that the job is done?"

She nodded before shifting into a more natural-sized bat and diving down the chimney I was sitting beside, probably to give the fool a complete report.

Not even ten minutes later I was being dismissed, with nothing but a grumble about a job well done and a reward for my exhausting vigil. Still, I was glad to lose myself in the chaos of the Other Place to regain my lost strength and let go of my grief, even if only until the next summoning...

...which came all too early for my taste. Kitty swore that she would write me off as deceased, damn it! I materialised in the pentacle still under the guise of a gargoyle, flaming red eyes scanning the room for the offending mortal who dared to interrupt my well-deserved rest.

Lo and behold, I found him.

The bastard.

The idiot.

The one and only Nathaniel Underwood.

He was standing in the pentacle opposite, waving sheepishly at me while Kitty lounged on the armchair a few feet away.

"See?" She addressed him casually, "I told you that he was okay."

I took a slow step towards the edge of the pentacle, my eyes never leaving Nathaniel's. He looked, for the lack of a better word, awful. He had a black eye, one of his arms was in a sling while the other was covered in scratches and bruises, and I could tell at a glance that he was favouring one leg more than the other.

Another step and I was out. The pentacle wasn't a restraining one, I couldn't help but notice as I stumbled towards the coffee table, my stone claws digging into the polished mahogany as I grasped it for support.

"You," I managed to utter, pointing at him with my other hand, "are alive."

He nodded. He just nodded as if I was asking him about the weather.

"Sorry for not summoning you earlier," he said, his stupid voice sticking a blade into my chest and twisting it with every word. "I was recovering, you see, and then when we tried to summon you, you weren't answering."

"I was on another assignment in Prague," I answered stiffly, lowering my hand to rest on a book I was too stunned to notice.

Without a moment of hesitation, I hurled it at him.

He dodged, narrowly, those damn blue-grey eyes of his widening in shock. 

"B-Bartimaeus!" He sputtered before ducking under a cup I threw at him, and a vase, and another book. My shock was wearing off, replaced by fury. "What the hell are you doing?!"

My hands shook as I ran out of things within reach. Due to such an unfortunate lack of projectiles, I resorted to yelling.

"I THOUGHT THAT YOU WERE DEAD, YOU STUPID, BULL-HEADED IDIOT!" Not even an hour prior I was mourning him, cursing the universe for making our paths cross while not being able to bring myself to regret it. All this pain. All this heartbreak. AND THE BASTARD WAS ALIVE ALL ALONG.

"I MOURNED YOU! I MISSED YOU! I WANTED TO DIE ALONGSIDE YOU, TO PROTECT YOU, TO FOR ONCE, FOR GODDAMN ONCE NOT BE FORCED TO ABANDON THE ONE I CAME TO LOVE." My hands caught fire, red and hot like the one inside me. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT I'VE GONE THROUGH BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID, EGOTISTICAL, SELF-SACRIFICING ASS?! I FELT DEAD. WORSE THAN DEAD. I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER SEE YOUR DISGUSTING FACE AGAIN." I was trembling all over. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO LOSE SOMEONE YOU CARE ABOUT AND LIVE WITH THE KNOWLEDGE THAT YOU'LL HAVE TO CARRY THEIR MEMORY UNTIL THE END OF YOUR DAYS? I THOUGHT THAT YOU, TOO, HAVE CURSED ME WITH THIS, NATHANIEL UNDERWOOD. I WANTED TO HATE YOU BUT I LOVED YOU TOO MUCH. I STILL LOVE YOU, DUMBASS. YOU'VE PUT ME THROUGH ALL THIS MISERY, AND NOW YOU HAVE THE GALL TO TELL ME THAT YOU'RE NOT EVEN DEAD? DO Y-"

My rant was abruptly and rudely cut off by Nathaniel limping across the room to throw his one good arm around me in the most pathetic half-hug I've ever witnessed in my entire life. I hugged him back as tightly as I was able to without crushing his bones.

"Idiot," I muttered, voice choked up as he sobbed into the crook of my neck. Boy, did I envy him the ability. "My idiot."

"I'm so sorry," he somehow managed to squeeze the apology between a sob and a sniffle. "I'm so, so sorry, Bartimaeus. I... I didn't know if I would make it... I didn't want you to die."

I chuckled, running my fingers through his hair in what I hoped was a comforting manner. "I'd rather die than have to live without you."

Great, that set him off again. Kitty finally left her seat and approached us with a box of tissues. After Nathaniel proceeded to use up half of the box just to wipe his face, she hugged both of us.

"My idiots," she laughed, the sound washing over me like clean spring water. Remember when I said that I would throw myself into a pit of fire for her? Yeah, that was truer than ever. I wasn't actually sure how long the three of us stood there, but eventually Nat got his emotions more or less under control, certainly enough to attempt letting me go.

Like I was gonna let that happen.

I pulled him closer, wishing that we were one once more so that I could weave myself into his very bones and never have to leave him again as long as either of us lived. Just because I could, I pressed a kiss to his forehead before allowing it to rest against mine. It made him laugh, his whole frame shaking with beautiful, ecstatic giggles as tears continued to stream down his face. I don't think I've ever loved anyone more than I loved him right at that moment.

"Summon me into yourself again," I said, my hands moving to cup his face, so warm and flushed and gloriously, miraculously alive. "Let me return home."

Some mortals say that home is where the heart is. I mean, the scoundrel stole mine right from under my nose, so it only made sense for him to be my home, right? 

Not Uruk. Not the Other Place. Him.

It felt so good to finally return home.


End file.
